It makes me feel better to “write” or type it out. I’ve been a mess of emotions this morning. I got a call from my mom at 6:30 this morning as I was getting ready for work. I knew immediately something was wrong. She never calls me so out of the blue, especially so early.
My wonderful and beloved Papaw passed away early this morning. My heart aches.
We found out he had cancer sometime last year and he battled as best he could, he stayed so positive which was beautiful. He took it like a champ, he really did. I admire everything about him.
I was lucky enough to have been so close with my grandpa. Some people grow up not knowing them because they passed when they were little. I spent my entire childhood, teen and adult life going to KY to visit him. I have so many wonderful memories. I am who I am because of him. My KY roots are strong and they mean so very much to me.
I’m upset with myself for letting my life as a working mom take over. I had a card for him that I never mailed because Willa spilled milk on it and I set it up for it to dry, intending to write an endearing message in it about its wrinkled state, saying his great granddaughter was the culprit, that I think about him every single day and to always know how much I love and miss him even if I don’t always call. I should have called.
This man will always have a very large and special place in my heart. He was the only other man I had left after my dad died. He walked me down the aisle and danced with me at my wedding. He always said, “love you baby” in a special Papaw way that always meant so much to me.
“I cannot control exactly what happens in life, but I can control how I respond to it all. In my response is my greatest power.”
I saw this quote on someone’s Instagram page today and thought it was so fitting for the nature of this post. Life can really throw you some curveballs sometimes, and how we respond to them really define what kind of people we are and how we best handle the speed bumps and potholes in life (I have car insurance on the brain…omg).
I have to say, I brainstormed quite a bit for this post. I want to convey what I want to say as “me” as possible, which is with happiness, positivity, kindness, sensitivity, and empathy. I really try to encompass those traits into my being and my everyday way of life. I’m very aware that certain subjects are prone to stigma and susceptibility. That being said:
I am 6 weeks pregnant.
The initial shock has worn off. We weren’t planning on having any more babies. We already have two girls and we were good with that. Life had different plans for us and our little family though. Now that the reality has sunk in, we’re overjoyed and so excited to welcome another bundle of joy into our lives. I have loved this little one since the second I peed on that stick and it said positive; this little one that is literally the size of an orange seed right now. And speaking of size…
I am very enlightened to the fact that announcing pregnancy so early (or even in the 1st trimester at all) has a lot of weird energy surrounding it due to the higher risk of miscarriage in this fragile period. I acknowledge this sensitivity with my full heart, and with that same heart I know that speaking up now is what is right for me.
I naturally and very readily wear my heart on my sleeve. Sometimes this can be to a fault, but most of the time it has really helped me in my life. I am an open book. Vulnerability is okay and I am not ashamed of it. I feel like I am transparency by definition. I don’t feel the need to cover things up that are emotionally difficult. Doing so makes me feel pent up and anxious. I hate feeling that way. It’s like my insides are shaking and I can’t make them stop. As I type, I feel a weight being lifted. I feel that brokenness is not mean to be done alone. Loss is a part of life, as painful as it is. I’ve experience exponential loss. It’s something I feel is so important to teach our children from a young age. There is a way to explain things to little ones so they understand, so they aren’t as shocked or devastated as they may be if things like loss weren’t explained to them. This is the very reason we’ve already begun talking about the new baby to our girls. As a mom, I am here to protect, of course, but to also educate and demonstrate the type of person I want them to be. I want them to know that sharing things emotionally is a positive thing (and I’m all about positivity), not something we need to cover up or shroud in secrecy. People tend to feel like it must be better to keep quiet about things such as a lost pregnancy or the potential that it could happen, instead of surrounding themselves with support. I want all the support I can get. I have a gut feeling that this pregnancy will work the way it’s supposed to, but just in case it doesn’t, I know all of you will be here for me, and I need that.
Aside from that more deep and serious side of my announcement, the lighter side is that there are so many beautiful things happening to me and the developing baby right now and I want to share it!
It’s exciting and it’s not something I wish to bottle up and keep to myself. I think it’s incredibly interesting that there’s already a spinal column forming, facial features such as ears and eyes already developing, a two-chambered heart that beats, etc. I have been blessed with the gift of life within me for a second time and I want to embrace it for all it’s worth. I want to talk about it, vent about my nausea/heartburn/fatigue/backaches (and boy do I have nausea), and welcome all of you readers who are my family, friends and acquaintances to share in it with me. ❤
I am by no means “old”. I haven’t even hit 30 yet. But, I am old enough to know that when I look back on some of the choices I made, I wish I could do them over.
The picture says it all. It’s not that I necessarily “regret” some of the things I did in my teens/early 20s, I just wish I had taken more chances, stepped outside the box, and hadn’t acted like I knew what the hell I was doing. Regret is such a harsh word, and I did have a lot of happy times when I was younger, but mixed in with the happy are so many things that should (not could) have been done differently.
I’ll make a list:
1.) Deciding at age 14 that I had found “the one”.
Who does that? Well, I guess a lot of stupid kids think they know everything and know better than their parents, who have actually LIVED through crap like that. I met my first boyfriend when I was 14 and decided he’d be the one forever and always. Granted, we did stick it out for 10 years…but we can talk about that later. My parents tried telling me over and over, “Dusty, you’re a kid. You’re in high school. Have fun and don’t tie yourself to someone who doesn’t even live in the same town as you!” and I said, “But I love him!” and I did, but, I know when I look back on it, a lot of my motivation was setting out to prove them wrong. I wanted to defy the odds and show them it was possible to find your soul mate at age 14 and live happily ever after.
2.) Deciding to move out at 18 & live with my boyfriend, his mom, and his 2 little sisters
At this point, the wonderful relationship I had with my dad was ruined. He had forbade me to ever talk to or see my boyfriend again, I did anyway, he found out (a couple of times), trust was broken, resentment was formed, etc. By the time I was 18 I wanted out and away from parental rules. I wanted to do what I wanted to do, and I did. I still went to college, but I commuted and lived in my boyfriend’s house with his mom and 2 younger sisters. I immediately became homesick and tried to visit my parents as often as possible, sometimes even spending entire weekends there. That caused resentment in my boyfriend who wanted me to be home with him. When I look back on this, I wish so strongly that I would have just gone to college and lived on campus like a “normal” person does. I’d probably be sitting here with a 4 year degree (or more) instead of a 2 year degree that took me 7 years to get. I wish I would have been young, not acted like I was married when I wasn’t, gone to parties, hung out with people and made friends, etc. I had been accepted to several colleges that offered me scholarships, but I didn’t accept them. Instead I went to a school that didn’t offer me anything because I had to go to the same school my boyfriend went to and also because he threw a fit when I suggested I may want to go the other route. I was young and dumb enough to be persuaded, even though deep down I knew it wasn’t in my best interest.
3.) Deciding to go along with and stay with someone who constantly held me back
When I say this, I am not saying it because I think my first boyfriend is a bad person. He isn’t. He was good to me during our 10 years together. Along with the good, there is always not so good (or even bad). He brought out my ugliest side, a side that Derek has yet to see. He made me feel like I shouldn’t like or enjoy the things I genuinely liked and enjoyed. I repressed A LOT when we were together. I dressed, acted and even dyed my hair a certain way because I knew he liked it that way. I did things for myself, but there was always a part of me that would second guess things or go in a direction I knew he would approve of more. I wouldn’t listen to certain music because he would make fun of it or make me feel silly for liking it. I scarcely spoke of my interest in Paganism because he had mentioned on several occasions when I had the courage to bring it up, that it was “stupid” and that I was “buying into it”. We were around 22 when we moved out on our own. I’d want to hang out with friends, drink, play games, do things, BE YOUNG. He’d constantly make me feel like I was some wild party girl who had “changed”. He’d talk about how sweet I once was and that I was different. I felt like anything that I liked that wasn’t the same as it had been when we were young teens, was bad. I didn’t talk about a lot of these feelings I had brewing inside of me. Resentment, frustration, even regret. Like I said, he was a good boyfriend, but once I decided to let go and break up, I felt immense relief that I had finally broken free from someone who really was very controlling. He didn’t think he was (who would?), but he was. He may not be now, but he was then. He was with me.
So, I guess I feel like the things I did for all those years are things that have really molded me into who I am today: what I stand for, my beliefs in what is right and wrong, etc. They are things that have made me realize all the chances and opportunities I allowed myself to miss out on when I should have been living life for ME. I had no kids, I wasn’t married. There was no reason for me to allow him to let me feel guilty for a lot of things that I wanted to do, but I let him. I am not that person now. I am naturally a “people pleaser”, but I am now an adult who has learned from her mistakes. I know the difference between doing things for people because it makes me feel good about myself and happy that I’ve done them, and doing things because I feel forced to.
As a mother of two little girls, I plan on answering every question they may have someday completely and fully. I will tell them the things I have done and the things I wish I had done, and I’ll tell them out of passion and love. I don’t want to see them go down the road I went down. Some of the choices I made were very, VERY immature and stupid.
My life is very happy now. Derek’s personality and mine mesh so well together and I never feel held back with him. He understands that people change and evolve, and those differences are what makes us who we are.
I can definitely say that although I do wish I made a lot of different choices in the past, I am very grateful that my first boyfriend helped sculpt me into the person I am today. A person who is strong, unique, doesn’t care what others think of her and her interests (as much), and knows not to allow anything to hold her back from happiness.