Posted in loss

I Just Miss You

When someone close to you dies, you’re left feeling so empty for a really long time. At least that’s how I felt when my dad died a little over 5 years ago. I remember the day it happened like it was yesterday, and I wish I didn’t. If he had to go, I wish the last image of him I had wasn’t lying facedown on my Papaw’s back porch, post massive heart attack. He was already gone. 

I had been the first to find him. The day before had been a blast; a day full of laughter, family, games, swimming, rum drinking, singing. It was 4th of July weekend. That holiday, which was always such a happy time that I always looked forward to all my life because it meant we would pack up and visit my Papaw’s house in KY, is now shrouded in sadness.

Life just hasn’t been the same since that day. Here I am over 5 years later, and sometimes I’ll be driving and the thought of giving my dad a call will pop into my head. For that fleeting second, I actually feel excited, then within that same second, reality hits me. Of course I can’t call him…

Just a couple nights ago I heard the Beatles song “P.S., I Love You” and I had to turn it off because it immediately made me start crying. I have all these wonderful memories of my dad that I look back on with such happiness, but small things, like hearing that song, bring back a flood of those memories that, even though they’re happy, leave me feeling empty again.

As a girl who was very close with her dad, him being gone is a huge void that can never be filled. There will never be another man who will come close to loving me the way he did. Yes, Derek loves me as much as a husband can love his wife, but a dad’s love for his daughter is irreplaceable. Nobody has ever hugged me the same way he did, and it’s the little things like that that really hurt my bruised heart.

I see Derek with Charlotte and Willa and it makes me so happy knowing they have him. He’s such a sweet dad and loves them as much as my dad loved me. They’re lucky to have that and I hope and even pray (in some form or another), that he will never leave them too soon like my dad left us. He needs to be there for their wedding days and when their children are born. Not having my dad around for those things was heartbreaking for me. Knowing how much he would have loved these kids is equally as heartbreaking.

Missing my dad has just really been weighing heavily on me lately.

Sorry for such a somber post, but such is my everyday life.